You know those times when you suddenly trip and fall into an enormous puddle of ennui? The whole why-am-I-here, what-the-fuck-am-I-doing, who-the-hell-are-these-people, where-am-I, how-did-I-get-here, when-will-it-all-end business. I think I got all the Ws and the H in there.



our neophyte stage manager decided tonight to go out into the audience and have a chat with her friends during intermission. we're supposed to have a ten-minute intermission. it turned out to be twenty. she spent the first seven minutes backstage playing with makeup and the last thirteen out talking with her friends. I was so pissed I could have fired her myself. as an actress, I was pissed, sure. as a stage manager, I was doubly offended by the extreme disregard of professionalism and the show. what the fuck? on the other hand, this is a stage manager who didn't even know how to work the house lights until two days before we opened and doesn't keep track of the book or the cues and spends the duration of the show sitting on her boyfriend's lap.  I don't know how she even got this job, or managed to keep it. of course, I'm right now at the point in my life where this company will let her get away with that shit.

I think that's what brought the ennui down around me.

I want to believe in justice and punishment and People Who Do The Right Thing and People Who Do Their Fucking Jobs but there is no justice and no punishment.


I am always doing something, and yet I am bored. I am always around people, and yet I am lonely. I am always working and yet I'm always broke. I go out with people every night but I still don't have any friends.


at least we've been having nice weather lately. I wish I had time to write. I wish I had some resources in me to write. Ideas. Characters. Something. Even this. I'd like to blog regularly but I really have nothing to say. I haven't had anything to say for a while. Still don't. I haven't even kept a journal since February 2011, and I kept one faithfully since I was seven.

stay gold




pictures for sad children used to be my jam but I never read that anymore






   



edit: I posted a one-shot on my story blog that I wrote a while ago. It's a dream I had about a little girl who got raped and became catatonic.

Labels: othello, pictures for sad children

1 Comments:

I hope you'll stay inspired..somehow.

You just have to think of writing as your friend. Your best friend. You know, its waiting for you..when ever you are ready.

Keep Writing!

Oh, I felt the story had a black swan feel to it.

By  ellie, at 10/21/2012 09:45:00 AM  

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Cady, 21 - struggling actress, harried stage manager, bored sales rep. Luckily, not all at the same time.

I love late nights and early mornings, smoking without the head rush, blue hair, eating out at three a.m., swear words, phrases that sound inappropriate out of context, my combat boots, and my cat.