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My name is Cady, welcome.
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I just said no for the first time in my life.
I feel scared and empowered simultaneously.
Of course I've said no before. But I mean no like to a "good" thing. No. I am too busy. I didn't want to do this anyway. I am tired and I deserve a break. I have been planning this break for months anyway. I do not want to work with you because you are passive-aggressive and I hate passive-aggressive people.
No no no no no no no no.
So I've been trying to settle on another story to work on now that January Brings Few Faces is finished. I have a couple of ideas, but haven't settled on anything yet. Maybe I'll attempt NaNoWriMo this year. (Again.) Maybe I'll finish the story I started for NNWM last year. Or not. I'm not really in the mood for writing about my exes' weddings. That's just sad. No!
But seriously, I would like to get started on another project.
Happy Halloween.
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So I went to yet ANOTHER party last night (without Jackie, although I did get a call concerning her) and it was fucking good. My friends have this huge house and they just go balls to the wall for Halloween.They even hired a psychic for the party. Actually, I think she was more of a tarot reader than a psychic, if you want to get technical. She was lovely. She helped me figure some things out that I needed to figure out (and as a tarot reader myself, it's always nice to have someone else's perspective). She even told me she'd like to keep in touch with me - she asked me to add her on Facebook and told me about some movies she thought I would like. We even discussed Marilyn Manson briefly (and damn if I don't love me some MM).
Othello closed today, and we struck and immediately began setting up for the next show, which I am stage managing. It opens Friday, which gives us a 4-day tech week. Fucking A. Working close to full time for a quasi-rep is exhausting, especially if you're SM/AD for three shows in a row.
Recently, I was offered an assistant director position for an upcoming show, and today it was explained to me what the exact duties of an AD are. Turns out I've assistant-directed many of the shows I've also stage managed, and nobody bothered to let me know/credit me/compensate me. So there's that. I guess I can add AD to my resume then.
(But seriously, goddamn.) Labels: halloween, othello
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So I had what SHOULD have been a lovely evening, but it didn't end up that way. We had what was our best show in the past two weeks, and I had been invited to two Halloween parties. We have a killer show and then I get to go party-hopping? Hells to the yes! But I needed a ride, so first I tried to get Luke and his girlfriend Melanie to come with me, but they couldn't because they both had to work in the morning, and then I tried to get Evan and Nathan, but they didn't pick up the phone, and Cam had to work all night, so Jackie was my very last option if I really, really wanted to go. It was really a Catch-22: how badly do I want to go to these parties versus how much time can I stand to spend with Jackie, and do I want my cool friends to meet her?
Fuck.
Well, my urge to party overshadowed my hatred of Jackie, and so we wound up going together with her boyfriend Josh. We went to the first party, thrown by a new friend, Kacey, and that one was tiny and so hipstery and fun - it was rather like being in an indie movie. That was helped by the fact that Jackie stayed in the car mostly. But by the time we were headed to the next party, Junie's (and I hadn't seen Junie in forever), she had turned into such an enormous CUNT and just completely ruined the rest of the evening. Josh is actually a cool person to hang out with and the only decent person she's EVER dated (and I know everyone she's ever dated - we've been friends since, what, the summer before sophomore year?), and tried to make it work but she was just evil.
Can't say I didn't know that was coming - like I said, Jackie was my last ditch option, and Luke even warned me not to go partying with her. So I can't say that I didn't know better.
Jackie was so mad that we didn't skip Junie's party (and FOR NO REASON AT ALL - she wasn't sick, everyone seemed to enjoy her costume, and there was plenty of food and beverages at BOTH parties. She just changed her mind all of a sudden.) that she apparently broke up with Josh. He took it completely in stride, too, so I'm thinking that she probably didn't break up with him for real. But who can say?
Kind of feel like Kacey didn't really appreciate me bringing Jackie to her party, and Junie was too drunk to register anything (I love Drunk Junie - she is so hyper and fun and just bursts out into dance). Junie's was definitely the more festive one of the two - there were about five times as many people there, there was loud(er) music, more decorations, etc. I do enjoy a good small simple low-key party as much as any self-respecting indie bitch, but I like P.A.R.T.I.E.S. also. I'm rather pissed that I didn't get to stay at Junie's long enough to appreciate it. I haven't really been to a PARTY party in a while.
I wish I could have just gone to those parties by myself and just had a nice time by myself with my friends. I almost never get to see Junie or Kacey or do anything besides work -- and it's just so not fucking fair that Jackie seems to have everything when she just doesn't deserve it. She's perpetually fucked-up and mean and spoils everyone's time and is just so fucking selfish, and yet she gets everything she wants and does absolutely nothing to earn it. And I work so hard and I do everything right and have never gotten in trouble in my life, and yet I have to scratch and claw for everything I get.
I am trying to be a Good Person and I know that the world isn't fair, but tonight I'm just bitter because it could have been so nice and it just wasn't. Labels: fuckery, halloween, othello
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This is so true, I can't even -- Labels: incidental comics, THIS IS SO GENIUS
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Yes, I always remember being reminded how slow the stage crew was.
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How do you break up with a friend?
"I don't think we should see each other anymore"?
"I don't want to be friends with you anymore"?
"I don't love you anymore"?
"I can't stand being around you anymore"?
goodbye.
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it's almost unconscionable to me that someone could be engaged to someone they've never even kissed.
I saw some old friends of mine today - I hadn't seen them in an entire year. one friend of mine and I caught up a bit, and she told me she was engaged and that they'd never kissed, they'd never even HELD HANDS until they got engaged . . . um. How? How does that work? Why? She talked about it like it was a point of pride, like I'd approve of her marrying someone she's barely touched. But she seems happy. And at least she's not 18 like everyone else I know (she's what, 25? On the other hand, she should, um, you know, know better).
That said, I loved seeing them all. It blows my mind that I haven't seen these people in a whole year. And most likely won't for a while. I had no idea how much I missed them. It made me a little sad.
I miss the way my life was two years ago. I didn't know it at the time, but I was so optimistic and so hopeful about my future. Now I'm in that 20-something ennui (I'm saying that a lot, I know) where you see your future racing towards you and yet you're completely stuck. How can everything change and yet stay the same all at once?
One friend of mine gave me his new number and told me to call him if I ever needed anything, any time. I hate it when people do that. When do I call them? What do I need? What can they fix? I never want to inconvenience anybody. He travels all the time. Like I said, when is a good time to call, what can you fix for me. Why do you even care?
And so I never call.
Last year, before I was truly friends with one of my good friends now, I was having a hard time and it showed (but then, when am I ever not?) and he gave me his number and told me to call him if I wanted to talk. He's a good listener, he said. I never called him. I was suspicious of him. I didn't know him very well, why did he care about my personal problems, what could he possibly do, and again, I barely knew him.
He probably doesn't even remember that. The only reason we're friends today is because I once had to take care of him after he got too drunk to drive one night last year.
we both go together if one falls down
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You know those times when you suddenly trip and fall into an enormous puddle of ennui? The whole why-am-I-here, what-the-fuck-am-I-doing, who-the-hell-are-these-people, where-am-I, how-did-I-get-here, when-will-it-all-end business. I think I got all the Ws and the H in there.
our neophyte stage manager decided tonight to go out into the audience and have a chat with her friends during intermission. we're supposed to have a ten-minute intermission. it turned out to be twenty. she spent the first seven minutes backstage playing with makeup and the last thirteen out talking with her friends. I was so pissed I could have fired her myself. as an actress, I was pissed, sure. as a stage manager, I was doubly offended by the extreme disregard of professionalism and the show. what the fuck? on the other hand, this is a stage manager who didn't even know how to work the house lights until two days before we opened and doesn't keep track of the book or the cues and spends the duration of the show sitting on her boyfriend's lap. I don't know how she even got this job, or managed to keep it. of course, I'm right now at the point in my life where this company will let her get away with that shit.
I think that's what brought the ennui down around me.
I want to believe in justice and punishment and People Who Do The Right Thing and People Who Do Their Fucking Jobs but there is no justice and no punishment.
I am always doing something, and yet I am bored. I am always around people, and yet I am lonely. I am always working and yet I'm always broke. I go out with people every night but I still don't have any friends.
at least we've been having nice weather lately. I wish I had time to write. I wish I had some resources in me to write. Ideas. Characters. Something. Even this. I'd like to blog regularly but I really have nothing to say. I haven't had anything to say for a while. Still don't. I haven't even kept a journal since February 2011, and I kept one faithfully since I was seven.
stay gold
 pictures for sad children used to be my jam but I never read that anymore
edit: I posted a one-shot on my story blog that I wrote a while ago. It's a dream I had about a little girl who got raped and became catatonic. Labels: othello, pictures for sad children
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I hope you'll stay inspired..somehow.
You just have to think of writing as your friend. Your best friend. You know, its waiting for you..when ever you are ready.
Keep Writing!
Oh, I felt the story had a black swan feel to it.
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Luke and Nathan told me not to bring Jackie with me anymore when we hang out.
I don't see Jackie much these days. Luke, Nathan, Evan and I hang out all the time. So the four of us made our usual plans to go to our usual hangout place after we all got off work (and Luke and I work together, so it's easy), when Jackie called me and wanted to hang out.I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to bring her along with us -- Evan, Luke, Jackie and I all used to hang out together (back when we all worked together). So I told Jackie where to meet us, and she did and completely ruined the night. She would not shut up -- she would not let anyone else even speak. Luke, and I abandoned the group entirely -- Evan was too stoned to really care and Nathan felt bad about leaving him alone with Jackie.
We all left really pissed, except for Jackie and Evan, who were too self-absorbed and too stoned to care, respectively.
That was last week.
Evan canceled on plans with me twice, which he's never done before. Finally it dawned on me that he was afraid I'd bring Jackie with me again. I even told Luke this idea and he said it was probably the case.
So when Luke and I picked Nathan up tonight, we told him and they told me to never, ever, ever bring Jackie with me again.
"She's fucking insane," Nathan said. Which is true. She's gotten Baker-Acted three times THIS YEAR.
It's unfortunate, because I guess Jackie is still my friend, but I don't want to hang around her these days either. I don't miss her, though, which is a little sad because we used to be super close. But then, being around her always kind of put me in a weird mental place and kind of enhanced my own mental instabilities, which is never a good thing. I mean, I have actual OCD. It kind of annoys me when people are like, "Oh, I wash my hands all the time, I'm so OCD" or "I always keep my house clean, I'm so OCD" -- and I'm just like, Bitch, please, try living with real OCD. It's not cute and it's not fun.
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Its strange how the world works..with friends...and the drama it carries..you just don't know where it might come from, and we do get so tired of figuring it out..after awhile.
I for one..do not keep a clean room. Its impossible. My mind goes somewhere else. Still..I am so scared of the things I've forgotten in this world. I check to make sure everything is locked up to the point ..I hate to leave the house. I might have left the stove on. And I'll have no reason as to why I might have. Lets say I don't cook much, either.
I'm glad you posted. Missed you.
I feel I have better guy friends than girlfriends. It is hard to sometimes..want to take the time for friendship. Especially, when you feel you are only being used in the long run.
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Cady, 21 - struggling actress, harried stage manager, bored sales rep. Luckily, not all at the same time.
I love late nights and early mornings, smoking without the head rush, blue hair, eating out at three a.m., swear words, phrases that sound inappropriate out of context, my combat boots, and my cat.
I just said no for the first time in my life.
I feel scared and empowered simultaneously.
Of course I've said no before. But I mean no like to a "good" thing. No. I am too busy. I didn't want to do this anyway. I am tired and I deserve a break. I have been planning this break for months anyway. I do not want to work with you because you are passive-aggressive and I hate passive-aggressive people.
No no no no no no no no.
So I've been trying to settle on another story to work on now that January Brings Few Faces is finished. I have a couple of ideas, but haven't settled on anything yet. Maybe I'll attempt NaNoWriMo this year. (Again.) Maybe I'll finish the story I started for NNWM last year. Or not. I'm not really in the mood for writing about my exes' weddings. That's just sad. No!
But seriously, I would like to get started on another project.
Happy Halloween.
So I went to yet ANOTHER party last night (without Jackie, although I did get a call concerning her) and it was fucking good. My friends have this huge house and they just go balls to the wall for Halloween.They even hired a psychic for the party. Actually, I think she was more of a tarot reader than a psychic, if you want to get technical. She was lovely. She helped me figure some things out that I needed to figure out (and as a tarot reader myself, it's always nice to have someone else's perspective). She even told me she'd like to keep in touch with me - she asked me to add her on Facebook and told me about some movies she thought I would like. We even discussed Marilyn Manson briefly (and damn if I don't love me some MM).
Othello closed today, and we struck and immediately began setting up for the next show, which I am stage managing. It opens Friday, which gives us a 4-day tech week. Fucking A. Working close to full time for a quasi-rep is exhausting, especially if you're SM/AD for three shows in a row.
Recently, I was offered an assistant director position for an upcoming show, and today it was explained to me what the exact duties of an AD are. Turns out I've assistant-directed many of the shows I've also stage managed, and nobody bothered to let me know/credit me/compensate me. So there's that. I guess I can add AD to my resume then.
(But seriously, goddamn.) Labels: halloween, othello
So I had what SHOULD have been a lovely evening, but it didn't end up that way. We had what was our best show in the past two weeks, and I had been invited to two Halloween parties. We have a killer show and then I get to go party-hopping? Hells to the yes! But I needed a ride, so first I tried to get Luke and his girlfriend Melanie to come with me, but they couldn't because they both had to work in the morning, and then I tried to get Evan and Nathan, but they didn't pick up the phone, and Cam had to work all night, so Jackie was my very last option if I really, really wanted to go. It was really a Catch-22: how badly do I want to go to these parties versus how much time can I stand to spend with Jackie, and do I want my cool friends to meet her?
Fuck.
Well, my urge to party overshadowed my hatred of Jackie, and so we wound up going together with her boyfriend Josh. We went to the first party, thrown by a new friend, Kacey, and that one was tiny and so hipstery and fun - it was rather like being in an indie movie. That was helped by the fact that Jackie stayed in the car mostly. But by the time we were headed to the next party, Junie's (and I hadn't seen Junie in forever), she had turned into such an enormous CUNT and just completely ruined the rest of the evening. Josh is actually a cool person to hang out with and the only decent person she's EVER dated (and I know everyone she's ever dated - we've been friends since, what, the summer before sophomore year?), and tried to make it work but she was just evil.
Can't say I didn't know that was coming - like I said, Jackie was my last ditch option, and Luke even warned me not to go partying with her. So I can't say that I didn't know better.
Jackie was so mad that we didn't skip Junie's party (and FOR NO REASON AT ALL - she wasn't sick, everyone seemed to enjoy her costume, and there was plenty of food and beverages at BOTH parties. She just changed her mind all of a sudden.) that she apparently broke up with Josh. He took it completely in stride, too, so I'm thinking that she probably didn't break up with him for real. But who can say?
Kind of feel like Kacey didn't really appreciate me bringing Jackie to her party, and Junie was too drunk to register anything (I love Drunk Junie - she is so hyper and fun and just bursts out into dance). Junie's was definitely the more festive one of the two - there were about five times as many people there, there was loud(er) music, more decorations, etc. I do enjoy a good small simple low-key party as much as any self-respecting indie bitch, but I like P.A.R.T.I.E.S. also. I'm rather pissed that I didn't get to stay at Junie's long enough to appreciate it. I haven't really been to a PARTY party in a while.
I wish I could have just gone to those parties by myself and just had a nice time by myself with my friends. I almost never get to see Junie or Kacey or do anything besides work -- and it's just so not fucking fair that Jackie seems to have everything when she just doesn't deserve it. She's perpetually fucked-up and mean and spoils everyone's time and is just so fucking selfish, and yet she gets everything she wants and does absolutely nothing to earn it. And I work so hard and I do everything right and have never gotten in trouble in my life, and yet I have to scratch and claw for everything I get.
I am trying to be a Good Person and I know that the world isn't fair, but tonight I'm just bitter because it could have been so nice and it just wasn't. Labels: fuckery, halloween, othello
This is so true, I can't even -- Labels: incidental comics, THIS IS SO GENIUS
How do you break up with a friend?
"I don't think we should see each other anymore"?
"I don't want to be friends with you anymore"?
"I don't love you anymore"?
"I can't stand being around you anymore"?
goodbye.
it's almost unconscionable to me that someone could be engaged to someone they've never even kissed.
I saw some old friends of mine today - I hadn't seen them in an entire year. one friend of mine and I caught up a bit, and she told me she was engaged and that they'd never kissed, they'd never even HELD HANDS until they got engaged . . . um. How? How does that work? Why? She talked about it like it was a point of pride, like I'd approve of her marrying someone she's barely touched. But she seems happy. And at least she's not 18 like everyone else I know (she's what, 25? On the other hand, she should, um, you know, know better).
That said, I loved seeing them all. It blows my mind that I haven't seen these people in a whole year. And most likely won't for a while. I had no idea how much I missed them. It made me a little sad.
I miss the way my life was two years ago. I didn't know it at the time, but I was so optimistic and so hopeful about my future. Now I'm in that 20-something ennui (I'm saying that a lot, I know) where you see your future racing towards you and yet you're completely stuck. How can everything change and yet stay the same all at once?
One friend of mine gave me his new number and told me to call him if I ever needed anything, any time. I hate it when people do that. When do I call them? What do I need? What can they fix? I never want to inconvenience anybody. He travels all the time. Like I said, when is a good time to call, what can you fix for me. Why do you even care?
And so I never call.
Last year, before I was truly friends with one of my good friends now, I was having a hard time and it showed (but then, when am I ever not?) and he gave me his number and told me to call him if I wanted to talk. He's a good listener, he said. I never called him. I was suspicious of him. I didn't know him very well, why did he care about my personal problems, what could he possibly do, and again, I barely knew him.
He probably doesn't even remember that. The only reason we're friends today is because I once had to take care of him after he got too drunk to drive one night last year.
we both go together if one falls down
You know those times when you suddenly trip and fall into an enormous puddle of ennui? The whole why-am-I-here, what-the-fuck-am-I-doing, who-the-hell-are-these-people, where-am-I, how-did-I-get-here, when-will-it-all-end business. I think I got all the Ws and the H in there.
our neophyte stage manager decided tonight to go out into the audience and have a chat with her friends during intermission. we're supposed to have a ten-minute intermission. it turned out to be twenty. she spent the first seven minutes backstage playing with makeup and the last thirteen out talking with her friends. I was so pissed I could have fired her myself. as an actress, I was pissed, sure. as a stage manager, I was doubly offended by the extreme disregard of professionalism and the show. what the fuck? on the other hand, this is a stage manager who didn't even know how to work the house lights until two days before we opened and doesn't keep track of the book or the cues and spends the duration of the show sitting on her boyfriend's lap. I don't know how she even got this job, or managed to keep it. of course, I'm right now at the point in my life where this company will let her get away with that shit.
I think that's what brought the ennui down around me.
I want to believe in justice and punishment and People Who Do The Right Thing and People Who Do Their Fucking Jobs but there is no justice and no punishment.
I am always doing something, and yet I am bored. I am always around people, and yet I am lonely. I am always working and yet I'm always broke. I go out with people every night but I still don't have any friends.
at least we've been having nice weather lately. I wish I had time to write. I wish I had some resources in me to write. Ideas. Characters. Something. Even this. I'd like to blog regularly but I really have nothing to say. I haven't had anything to say for a while. Still don't. I haven't even kept a journal since February 2011, and I kept one faithfully since I was seven.
stay gold
pictures for sad children used to be my jam but I never read that anymore
edit: I posted a one-shot on my story blog that I wrote a while ago. It's a dream I had about a little girl who got raped and became catatonic. Labels: othello, pictures for sad children
Luke and Nathan told me not to bring Jackie with me anymore when we hang out.
I don't see Jackie much these days. Luke, Nathan, Evan and I hang out all the time. So the four of us made our usual plans to go to our usual hangout place after we all got off work (and Luke and I work together, so it's easy), when Jackie called me and wanted to hang out.I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to bring her along with us -- Evan, Luke, Jackie and I all used to hang out together (back when we all worked together). So I told Jackie where to meet us, and she did and completely ruined the night. She would not shut up -- she would not let anyone else even speak. Luke, and I abandoned the group entirely -- Evan was too stoned to really care and Nathan felt bad about leaving him alone with Jackie.
We all left really pissed, except for Jackie and Evan, who were too self-absorbed and too stoned to care, respectively.
That was last week.
Evan canceled on plans with me twice, which he's never done before. Finally it dawned on me that he was afraid I'd bring Jackie with me again. I even told Luke this idea and he said it was probably the case.
So when Luke and I picked Nathan up tonight, we told him and they told me to never, ever, ever bring Jackie with me again.
"She's fucking insane," Nathan said. Which is true. She's gotten Baker-Acted three times THIS YEAR.
It's unfortunate, because I guess Jackie is still my friend, but I don't want to hang around her these days either. I don't miss her, though, which is a little sad because we used to be super close. But then, being around her always kind of put me in a weird mental place and kind of enhanced my own mental instabilities, which is never a good thing. I mean, I have actual OCD. It kind of annoys me when people are like, "Oh, I wash my hands all the time, I'm so OCD" or "I always keep my house clean, I'm so OCD" -- and I'm just like, Bitch, please, try living with real OCD. It's not cute and it's not fun.
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