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My name is Cady, welcome.


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2.18.2011
This week has been eons and yet short. The days are short. The week has been long. It makes no sense.

I saw James on Wednesday. It completely threw me off. I thought I was over him . . . and I guess I'm not. I was with Winter and I kind of brushed him off. And then she and I left together, and we parted ways, and then I thought back on things that happened and I felt bad that I'd brushed him off. But I couldn't go back and say so. I wouldn't have, even if I could have. And it wasn't like I was going to call him and apologize. I don't even have his number. And I probably won't see him for a long time. So it doesn't matter.

I only went out on Wednesday because I was free and I wanted to see Winter. If I'd known James was going to be there, I wouldn't have gone at all.

He's so holy, it's disgusting. It makes me cringe. I can't even look at him. But I want him. I suppose I have corruptive tendencies or something. He's gorgeous. I can't stand it. I don't even want to be around him. But I still want him. He's a nice fucking person. He's too goddamn nice. I don't like nice people. I like people who are sarcastic and have slight mean streaks. But I still want him.

I saw him everywhere today . . . well, at least I thought I did, briefly, out of the corner of my eye. I actually didn't see him at all.

Until I saw him on Wednesday, I hadn't seen him in about two months. Well, I saw him about two weeks ago, just walking by, but he didn't see me, and it didn't bother me. This bothers me. And when I saw him, I kept thinking periodically that he doesn't exist. (I've been reading philosophy and it's warping my mind.) If nothing exists, if everything is only stray Thoughts meandering through emptiness . . . he is a hoax, a dream. He does not exist. It's oddly comforting.

I know I sound crazy. Maybe I am, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with me. I just . . . I can't understand it. I don't want to be around him. I avoid him to the best of my ability. And yet I still want him. I don't know what I'm doing, really.

He popped into my head tonight . . . well, the idea of him, anyway. And for a minute there, I couldn't remember what he looks like. I think maybe I need a Prozac and an Ambien and some tea.



2 Comments:

I think we have more surreal moments in our lives..than we like to believe sometime.

Then there is real-life acting that comes into play too. He might be acting he doesn't care or a certain way, but that might not be true either.

Then you might be playing head games and not know it.

Or the heart is feeling something entirely different than the rest of you.

By Blogger ellie, at 2/18/2011 07:27:00 AM  

For some reason I always thought that James would act something like Naru. It may be because most of your friends aren't so, well, nice. Like me. :D

By Blogger L, at 4/01/2011 09:10:00 PM  

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